En Panne (Out of Order)

Here's a riddle for you: What do France & my digestive tract have in common?

Answer: In both locations, you can expect things not to work correctly. In fact, it's generally the case that things will break down (tomber en panne) or won't go according to plan. Therefore, when they do work, it's an incredibly pleasant surprise - something worth celebrating (like the amazing poop I had this morning!).

In case you're still confused about what I mean by things "not working correctly", I've compiled a list of eight items to "better illustrate" my point (if you're already bored, jump to the end of the list):


1) One week after purchasing a French SIM card from 'Orange' (the AT&T of France), I get an SMS asking me to return to the store where I bought it from and show some form of identification; otherwise my service will be cancelled. Confused (because I already showed my ID when I purchased the card), I decide it's better to nip the problem in the bud, and I return to the store. I see the salesman that sold me the card and after typing a few things into his computer, he assures me that the problem is fixed. ONE WEEK LATER...in Brittany with my dad and I receive the same message. PUTAIN DE MERDE! WTF? So when I return to Paris a few days later, I go straight to the boss, ready to point fingers and give this guy piece of my mind. Meanwhile, the original salesman spots me (he know's he's gonna get it) and runs off to take a coffee break. I felt like saying: "Dude, thanks to your stupidity/oversight, I had to come back to this same f***ing Orange store a third time!". Luckily I held it together, and by the time I left, I was so excited to have a working phone that I let it all pass.

2) My dad & I rented a car in Paris for our weekend road trip to Brittany. Exactly one hour after leaving Paris, the rear tire blows out on the highway. EN PANNE. Oh yeah - and there's no spare in the car. "Thanks people. If you're not going to check the tire pressure on the car, at least have the decency to give us a spare". It takes several phone calls and nearly 2 hours (during which time we're camped out on the side of the road) for the 'dépanneur' to arrive and rescue us. Another two hours later, and we're at a hotel in Chartres for the night because Hertz can't find us another car. Nobody seems obliged to tell us what's happening and nobody seems to know who can give us more information. Sure enough the next morning we receive a call telling us to take a taxi back to the Hertz in Paris so we can rent another car. Back to square one...Sigh.

3) On my first day of teaching classes (mind you that I was very keen on making a good impression on the students and teachers alike), I was 15 minutes late after wandering from classroom to classroom because there had been a misprint on the schedule I was given. And since teachers in France change classrooms practically every week (one decides she needs a projector; another needs more space, etc.) there is no master schedule to consult. So the most efficient option was actually to peep into every classroom and pray that nobody would notice the strange girl standing outside.C'est la vie.

4) There is no working internet in my housing because the previous Mexican assistant downloaded too many spanish soap operas and caused a bandwith overload. And since my school can't afford a full-time computer technician, it seems unlikely that I will get working internet this year. On the bright side, I have brought post-card writing back from the dark ages.

5) Last week I went 4 days without working water (I think it was broken for longer, but I left town for Paris on Thursday). Not only was I NOT surprised, but I told the custodial staff that it was a good opportunity for me to practice being French by not showering and wearing 'eau de toilette' instead.

6) When you don't have a French bank card (which I didn't until last week), you have to order your train tickets on the internet and go to the station to pick them up. When I went on Wednesday to pick mine up, I waited in line for an hour, only to learn that my reservation had not gone through. I therefore had to buy my tickets at the current price, which was double what I originally (thought I) paid for them.

7) I finally got my French bank card. You have to wait for all these different documents to arrive in the mail, and then you have to go to the bank, sign about 100 documents, deposit money, and voilà, they give you your shiny, new card. Super excited to use my new card, I went on a spending frenzy: paid my bills, went grocery shopping, paid for my super expensive train tickets to Paris, and got a haircut. I also used my card in Paris to take some friends out to dinner, and I was going to use it to pay for my hotel until it was DECLINED. I had plenty of money in my account so that wasn't the problem. Of course, what I didn't know (because nobody had told me) was that there are montly spending limits on French debit cards. Sure, that makes sense...NOT. But oh well. Nothing I could to but wait until my return to Perpignan to talk to my bank.

8) After the stress of the train ticket situation (and before the bank card troubles), I decided to get a haircut. I needed one desperately. Plus, they would wash my hair (clever solution to not showering, huh?), and it's an activity that generally relaxes me. While waiting, I was served wine. You gotta love the French for that alone. And the bulk of the haircut was quite relaxing. Until the lady started chopping off thick chunks of hair, which is not at all what I specified. I freaked out for a split-second before letting out a sigh. Tant pis (oh well)...could I have expected to get the hair cut I expected? Can you expect anything in France to happen as expected? I reassured myself: "the French have great style". Even if it's not what I wanted, this lady was not going to make me look BAD.

My reason for telling you all of this is not to complain, but to illustrate my main point:

If you want to succeed living in France, expect the unexpected.

Things don't go according to plan. People go on greve (strike), trains get delayed when someone steals a cable from the track, teachers cancel class and don't tell you, phone lines get suspended without explanation. If you allow these things to upset you in France, you're wasting your breath.

I know this may come as a surprise to some of you -- you see me as someone who likes to be organized and in control. That might be the case normally, but in another country, you either adapt your ways or you fail miserably, and I've chosen to do the former.

By "adapting", I don't mean to say that I have become more like the French. On the contrary, the French are reputed to complain about EVERYTHING. Rather, what I mean by having "adapted" is that I have come to view the French system and all it's flaws in a new light. Things may be incredibly inefficient and frustrating, but I have come to respect that that's how it is. I even have a few theories as to why things are like this (meaning inefficient and non-functional, like my digestive system):

THEORY A: Inefficiency and inconsistency keeps things interesting. Being misinformed or uninformed (which would never be tolerated in the US) is to be appreciated. Service providers that fail to help you or give you incorrect information (though they may be perceived as lazy or lacking intelligence) are doing you a favor by allowing you to exercise your mind and figure things out on your own. As a result you gain independence and grow your artistic capabilities as you are forced to find creative solutions to your stupid problems. In the event that someone does provide you with useful information, it is usually just one piece of the puzzle. You need something done? You ask one person for help, who sends you to another person, you sends you to the wrong person, who sends you to the right person, who apparently can't even help you. It's like a scavenger hunt - and you need to collect all the clues before you reach your prize. It's like a game! Efficiency --- where's the fun in that?

THEORY B: If things were nice and easy, what would there be to complain about? French people (Parisians especially) would have a major identity crisis. They would become like Americans: overly enthusiastic, outgoing, and optomistic!!! No, it's better to keep things the way they are.

For many Americans, this lifestyle may seem like a nightmare. And I'll admit, I still get slightly irritated at times. But for better or for worse, this is the way things are in France. Nobody is going out of their way to make your life difficult. The pace is simply different here. And while it may be annoying while you're waiting to get your car fixed or open a bank account, I don't hear anybody complaining as they enjoy the world's finest wines and cheeses or art and architecture. Taking one's time to create something beautiful and to enjoy something beautiful - that's a virtue. I remind myself of this every time I start to get my panties in a knot over the slightest inconvenience. Be light. Enjoy the journey. In doing so, you'll access the real treasure.